Garrett is gone till tomorrow, so tonight it was bedtime routine all on my own. The girls did very well, Oli is always the straggler. It takes her so much longer to fall asleep. Eden is usually asleep before we leave the room. Olivia will read for almost an hour before falling asleep. Well tonight she came out to me (we have just earned 20 nights of not getting out of bed once tucked in) and i was trying to have mommy time and watch a show on tv, that i had been waiting for. I tell her goodnight and kiss her again and send her on her way.
Well last week two days in a row Olivia told me as we walked in to school that she did not like going to school because that meant she was away from me all day! Tear, tear. I know the saddest thing ever...so today again the story. I told her that i love to spend time with her, and we had this weekend. But that today was school. She often has these sayings for us when she needs to direct all focus back to her, like after getting in trouble, etc.
Okay back to tonight. She begins her angry walk back to her room and says i dont want to be with her, and i like the show more than her. Okay....so tv went immediately to commercial and i walk to her room. we have a chat, i lay on her bed, i kiss her and tell her that friday we will do something together after school just her and i .She agrees and i put a cd on for her. It is called Olivia. My mom bought it for her and one for eden for Christmas 2003. Olivia said where did we get it and i told her Grammy bought it for her. She said well where, i said i dont know. I told her that it was a secret between her and Grammy. She said well maybe grayson wants one. I said well, grammy didnt know Grayson.
We blew kisses and off i was. As i watched my show on tv, it was sad, and about death, i cried. I am not much of a crier these days, but i really cried. I laid on the couch with grayson in my arms (now snoring) and watched the show where they buried someone they loved, and the little boy tried to say goodbye.
My tears come from and for my children who never said goodbye, for myself and my sister and all who loved my mom who never said goodbye. this dec it will be 5 yrs since my mom died, and sometimes it feels like 10 yrs ago, others it feels like yesterday. I hate that grayson and bella will never be held by mom, and kissed goodnight. I have how eden was robbed on only having her for 2 1/2 mths. I hate how she was ripped from haley, olivia, and isaac... and how they have a hard time remembering her, even though she spent so much time with them! SO much, never.... never enough.
I am sad tonight because i had to tell my baby girl that you know this earth, this life sometimes sucks. And we will get mad, and cry, and be sad, and loose people who we love dearly. But that is this life! it will not hold me down, it will not defeat me... i know and love a God who is preparing a place for me and my babies, so that we will one day never feel this pain again.
Cry again, sure... laugh again, yeah i do all the time. Understand the last 5 yrs....never. My life has not been the same since that day in Florida when after (no sleep driving all night from VA) the love of my life, and the best Granny my three kids will ever know....told me that my mom was gone! But one day..... we will never have to share news like that again. We will be home, and sad no more.
Sorry for the long post, if you made it this far....hope it wasnt too crazy or confusing. Gotta kiss all those sleepy heads one more time before I go to bed :)
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7 comments:
You totally mad me tear up too! I can't imagine how hard that must have been for you. My mom and I are very close and her health is not good so losing her is something I think about often. God bless you and your little ones. Sending you lots of hugs tonight!
I completely understand how you feel. We lost my Dad last year on Mother's Day. Since Jason and I have no children yet, it's difficult for me to imagine having children that Dad will never get to hold or know. My heart aches for Trent who was barely over a year when it happened and he never got to really know Papa. Not a day goes by that I don't miss my Dad and think about him and wish he were still here. I'm still grieving.
Sending you hugs and positive thoughts this week! May God watch over you and your family and give you comfort.
I am so sorry that you have to deal with the sucky things this earth brings our way. I am praying that God will comfort you in your grief. I love you my friend. Hug those kids tight! :)
I think I know what show you watched last night that made you cry, because, I too, was crying like a baby!
I have told you time and time again you need to be writing for someone. You have such an amazing way of putting things. Death is a terrible horrible thing and until this past year I never had experienced it. I miss my grandmoms every day. Little things happen or I do something or see something and I immediately burst into tears. This was my first trip home without them and it was so hard. I try and show the boys pics, but get so angry that they too will never know my grandmoms. I love you!
thanks for all of your support and encouragement.
I agree with Stacey. You have wonderful way of writing. It will be 11 years for me in February and I too get angry thinking that Steven will never know his grandpa. I have this silly thing...the first day I was home from the hospital I found myself looking at the clock whenever it said; i.e. 2:22....this kept happening and still does. I couldn't understand why...but believe it is my dad looking down and giving Steven a kiss. I know it sounds silly but makes me feel better.
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